NARC & Co
The online mentoring space to heal from narcissistic abuse
Narcissistic Communication & Thought Patterns
Tricking, guilt tripping, gas lighting, wounded hero, infidelity - when caught, you didn’t meet my needs.
Emotional Starvation, lack of depth, immature, lack of affection, no emotional connection. Stuck in first gear.
The narcissist isn’t complex. Complexity doesn’t exist as the defensive wall protects the complex part of the personality.
Why devastating? Insidious manipulation so powerful that we may not pick up on it. Deliberately manipulative so the person isn't aware. Then it’s too late. You are intertwined. Devastating because it’s so late by the time it's acknowledged. The temperature increases slowly. Insidious.
Trap. People don’t see it. Efficient manipulation.
Don’t realise narcissistic behaviour will affect me.
Levels of Misunderstanding
Outward behaviour will not be directed into the relationship. Education comes too late in the game. Always some options once narcissist is discovered.
Thoughts and behaviours usually match normal behaviour.
Vulnerable narcissistic thoughts lead to distorted beliefs, and therefore behaviours.
The purpose of the narcissistic behaviour:
Behaviours and Thoughts if they were honest – could also be the beliefs or attitudes
Ten Vulnerable Narcissist Behaviours:
Grandiose narcissist does not accept the criticism - the tennis ball just goes through them. – the vulnerable narcissist throws it straight back, reflected straight back. *Thoughts - I can’t even think about this criticism as it hurts too much, but I can hurt you if I throw it straight back. Criticism is only for people who are not perfect. I only accept criticism from high status people, and you don’t fit that category.
Borderline Personality Disorder – when you criticised me you proved you did not love me and I’m going to hurt you. Similar presentation as the vulnerable narcissist.
Claiming To Have Memory Problems
This is also common in the work scenario. *Thought - I have no defence of my behaviour, so I am conveniently forgetting about this. I know it’s just your word against mine and I know nobody here will challenge me. *I cannot think of a good enough lie so I will forget what I did or said.
Taking Credit for Another Person’s Work
Also common in work settings. *It makes me so mad that your work is better than mine because I’m much better than you in every way. *If I had the time, I could have done this work myself, but I might as well take credit for it. *I deserve to take credit for the work because without me you would not have been able to do it. Sense of entitlement.
Father stops talking to his daughter and never resumes.
*Thoughts - I’m not the father I want to be and it’s causing me shame and easier not to have communication than to face that shame. *I’ve given subtle hints to you over the years that I’m disappointed in you, but you didn’t get it. *You committed a small violation of me some years ago. *I can hold a grudge for a long time, and it’s your fault for not knowing my nature.
Vulnerable Narcissistic Mother
Acts cold and distant in a passive and aggressive manner towards the child. *Thoughts - I want you to know that I have the power to make your life miserable if I want to, and I will win the war of attrition. *I’m hurt you don’t appear to need me as you grow older. *I don’t have the depth or emotional sensitivity to relate to you in a more effective way.
Falsely Accusing & Playing The Victim.
This is common in the work scenario. Power of bosses who violate their employees’ rights. Employer complains and the vulnerable narcissist turns the blame on the employee *Thought - I can dish it out but I can’t take it. I never thought you had the courage to stand up for yourself, and now I need to extricate myself from the problem I caused. *I cannot build my credibility or reputation, but I can discredit you and be satisfied with that outcome.
Bringing Up a Sore Topic on Purpose
They make it casual, but they know the other person will suffer. *Thoughts – I like to see people suffer without my behaviour being the obvious cause. *You hurt my feelings the other day and I didn’t address it with you, so this is my revenge. *I’m feeling sad today, so I thought it fitting for you to feel sad today. *Misery likes company. *I wanted to remind you that we are alone, and all we have is each other. This communication keeps the dependent relationship intact.
Berating partner for no reason
*Thoughts – seeing you suffer brings me joy and takes away my pain. *I’m so angry to have an ordinary person in my presence I have a need you are not meeting, and I need you to recognise what that is without me telling you what it is.
Flaunting How Much Money They Make
Avoid exact figures. Express it in six figures to craft lies. *Thoughts - I’m more important than you, and I want you to know that the differences between us can be quantified. *I’m resentful of you as more superior in some areas and flaunting money makes me feel like I’m not resentful. High status people earn allot of money and I want to be regarded as a high-status person.
Vulnerable narcissist temporarily acts dominant and confident in a social situation. Employer might be harsh with an employee while others watch. *Thought - I’m as tuff as a grandiose narc. In line with the theory that the vulnerable narcissist is not a complete narcissist – failing in comparison to a grandiose narcissist. Might have a grandiose narcissist in mind, like another co-worker who is extremely confident. *I want you to see that I have so much power that you will follow me. Intent is to recruit narcissistic agents to show their abilities to be dominant and powerful. *I know that I’m weak, and I am overcompensating by trying to dominate others.